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To my dearest ailing mother, If you happen to be reading this youtube video’s description (although I doubt you are what with your diabetic coma), I wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you often. Yesterday, as I was blindly murdering a young college woman for telling me to “fuck off, creep”, I pictured your smiling face and my heart was set aglow. Just hours later, as I was washing blood and glitter off of my hands, I remembered the time that you slapped me across the face with a summer sausage for denouncing God’s name. And then, as I lay down to rest, next to my neighbor whom I had bound with chain and gagged with an apple, I fondly looked back at the moment where you made me shoot my dog Eddie in the face because he had mange. I love you mother and I would love to continue writing about my memories of you. However, I must now take a violent, unearthly shit before my intestines implode, sending shockwaves of methane gas throughout the United States. So for now... this is farewell.